Well, I guess this is about my life or something?

Long time, no blog, world. How's it been going? Oh, me? I'm great, thanks for asking. Well, great might be the wrong word. I think the word I was looking for was stressed-beyond-belief-about-the-future-and-slowly-dying-from-homework-and-the-mundane-routine-of-my-daily-life. That seems more accurate.

One of the best moments of my boring life in the past few weeks is that I finally said something I've been thinking for years in my mind. My friend tied his hoodie around his waist and I compared him to a middle school girl who had just gotten her period for the first time. It is kind of sad that this is the first thing I think of to mention in my blog, but oh well.

Really though, life has been pretty stagnant. I find myself wishing that something would happen even if it were something bad. 

The thing I like the least about myself is definitely my inability to handle stress. I went to an internship meeting the other day and realized something: it would really help in choosing an internship if I knew what I wanted to do with my life. Then there was the huge stack of study-abroad application papers that I got.

Also, I live in a frat house without living in a frat house. I'm pretty sure someone just opened their door, screamed, "WOO!" and then shut it again.

Oh, I guess one sort of interesting thing is that I didn't talk to my best friend turned boyfriend turned ex (Luke) for a week so we could both have some space. That sucked, but it forced me to create something sort of interesting. Since my relationship with him relies so much on us telling each other virtually useless things I decided to make a list of every useless thing I would have told him.

Here is some of the list:

Useless Things I Would Have Told You

I enjoy other people’s misery, and my own in a way, but you already know that.

My arms really hurt, but it is kind of nice knowing that my muscles are getting worked on again since I’ve been a lazy ass.

Ponyo keeps sitting on her brother.

I saw a Nietzsche thing and thought of you.

I’m starting to feel safe in my room.

I am the same color as my desk in my English class.

I’m getting ahead on homework because I have no friends.

I spilled some baking soda today.

I am pretty sure we own more towels and sheets than a linen store.

Why would anyone ever need this many sheets and towels?!

I had such a one-track mind today. It was the first time I felt genuinely busy and focused in a while and I was tired after carrying so many boxes.

I hate air mattresses. They give me motion sickness. Life gives me motion sickness.

Saying you feel nauseous is actually incorrect because to be nauseous is to make other people feel sick, instead you should say I feel nauseated with you feel sick to your stomach.

I miss my old house. Roots are important, but how you grow and where you end up is important too. But roots get you there. (ROUTES, haha I’m hilarious)

I discovered a new band called Good Old Wars (well new as in I’ve had one song by them for a long time and I finally started listening to more stuff by them.) They sound sort of like Guster. This is so me, mentioning an obscure band and then comparing their sound to another obscure band. 

The phrase “Bear with me” is so strange. It’s like, let’s be bears together, k? Or bare with me? Get naked with me? I am going to start using that as a pick-up line. I think it will be very successful.

I was jokingly singing along with “Mine” by Taylor Swift, but for a second I actually felt connected to what she was saying, like I felt my heart getting this warm feeling. Then I felt ashamed.

I can’t listen to any song about having romantic feelings for a friend. (“If She Wants Me”-Belle and Sebastian “Are we lovers or are we friends?”- Acid House Kings “Undeclared” –The Dodos)

I always crave pizza at night ever since I had a sleepover with my friend and we watched Miss Congeniality. There’s this scene with a glow paint club where they eat pizza and some chick barfs it all up, but I still wanted it. Vomit doesn’t deter me from pizza. I think that’s a pretty good summary of myself as a person.

I’m downloading my first audiobook for the drive home and thinking of you.

Is this really the right thing to do?

I was annoyed with you today. I didn’t feel any romantic feelings for you, just mild annoyance/friendship. At least I think that’s what I felt. Maybe I need more time to figure out how I feel.

It’s astounding how alone a person can feel.

I love what James Baxter from Adventure Time stands for: just being happy because of something so ridiculously simple and silly.

I love what Vince said about how life is learning to play cards with your demons. That is why I tweeted it because I know you sometimes stalk me. This is my roundabout way of trying to communicate with you.

When I see that you’re online it kills me a little bit inside. Your green dot on Facebook chat is taunting me; it’s like “Hey! Your best friend is online! Talk to him!” But I can’t.

I kept looking over to you during Bo Burnham because I wanted to see your reactions. (Especially for the T.S. Eliot line).

This really is hard. I keep picking up my phone to text you. It’s like a nervous tic.

I still can’t believe you drove so many miles to see me over the summer.

I miss us. I miss laying on my floor talking about random things while I put plastic snack bowls over my face and was amazed at how the light appeared through them. Everything was simple when we were just best friends.

It’s worse at night when there are no distractions and I know you are still awake like me.

I want classes to start again so I have things to keep me busy and distracted.

I have that feeling in the back of my throat like right before you need to cry, but instead it is just a permanent feeling and I can’t cry. It’s like some force is pressing down on my chest, or like a hole is being dug into my heart. Wow, that seems so dramatic, but that’s what it feels like.

I miss the banter. I could be a real sap and read through our thousands of facebook messages (and analyze when you had feelings for me, etc.), but I’m not going to do that. I need to be stronger than that.

I keep having this recurring thought that a certain amount of self-doubt is really important.

I just had a flashback of last year. We were in the library together and you were talking about how you had your special study carrel that you always sat at, and that I usually sat at the one next to it and you called me your best friend. I miss that so much.

I found a hat that my grandma knitted for me. 

It sort of doesn’t feel like a day when I don’t talk to you (and I mean REALLY talk to you, not the small talk/awkward Bo Burnham concert interactions we had)

I probably shouldn’t have snapchatted you but I’m glad that I did because I miss you.

I can’t focus on my homework and I’m afraid to go to the library because I think I will see you there and I can’t handle small talk with you right now.

I saw a cat vest today that was made of the same material as your cat blanket. It even had cat buttons. I was so close to buying it.

I bought a man sweater from Goodwill for three dollars. Retail therapy.

I ate Chipotle and a donut to make me happy. It helped for a bit.

I want to reconnect with old friends. I feel so distant from everyone.

I have a blanket in my car that my mom bought for you, but I thought it would be awkward to give it to you now so it is just sitting there waiting. It’s kind of like me. I’m waiting in the trunk to be your friend again.

Have you ever noticed that when you hold a banana it fits perfectly in your hand? The same goes for the salt and pepper shakers in Hamwill.

The Latin word for to threaten is the same as to stick out, like sticking out your penis to use as intimidation.

I think this really captures what the week was like for me, and what our friendship is. We are talking again so that's good. He's kind of nocturnal (and by kind of I mean he is nocturnal) so I don't see him that often, but I'm glad to have my friend back.

Oh! One more tidbit of useless information before I end this post. I had dinner with the award-winning poet Albert Goldbarth a few weeks ago. He was hilarious and if you haven't read any of his poetry I strongly suggest that you do (especially "An Explanation" or "Coming Back"). I was nervous because I didn't know who all was going to the dinner and often when I am surrounded my only professors I feel very intimidated. It turned out that it was just me and one other student along with four professors and Albert Goldbarth. I was my usual awkward self. One moment that must be shared is when all of us were talking about "bubblers" which is what people on the East Coast call water fountains. Albert Goldbarth and I were talking about how it sounded like a dirty, sexual term. Then he turned to me and said in a deep voice, "Hey baby, wanna come over and see my bubbler?" In response I growled. It was like a "Rawr" sort of sound. So yes...I growled in a sexual manner at a famous 60-some-year-old poet. Not many people can say they have done that. Maybe I should start a club.

I keep telling myself that life will become more exciting soon. I hope I am right.