A Cluttered Mind

The life of a hermit isn't lonely. Maybe I am a hermit crab.

Is it bad that I enjoy sitting in my room alone?
Our culture is so extrovert-based that I actually feel guilty for not going out on a Saturday night. Well, I feel guilty for not "acting my age" in an odd sort of sense. I act like I am simultaneously a 30 year old woman and a 10 year old boy. 

This is probably going to be rather incoherent because that is my mind's current state, but please bear with me.

There is a difference between being alone and being lonely.
When I am alone I feel at peace. I can focus on me, which is something I struggle to do when I am around others.

I find myself being lonely less. I just want to be alone. It isn't a sign of something wrong with me.

http://www.buzzfeed.com/awesomer/comics-every-introvert-will-understand
These comics are so accurate.

I had an interesting thought the other day. Is one human life worth more than another?
If you had asked me this question a year ago then I wouldn't have hesitated to say that every human life is equal, but lately I've found my opinion shifting slightly.

I think that the main thing that makes a human life worth more is if he or she lives life with passion. The more intensely life is lived, the more it is worth.

*                    *                    *

I'm really proud of making those stars.

You're never too old to make a fort out of pillows and sheets.

A Sticky Situation...

Urban DICKtionary and the habit I share with Bo Burnham

Whenever I think that I've come up with some new word Urban Dictionary always already has an entry for it. My life is so hard. A few years ago I thought of ninjaneer, like a person who trains ninjas. 
But then I came across this:
http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=Ninjaneering

Today I came up with both procrastidating and procrastimating. Sadly...Urban Dictionary, being the DICKtionary that it is, already had definitions for both of them:

http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=procrastidating
http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=procrastimating

AND FOR DICKTIONARY:
http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=dicktionary

It is now my goal to outwit Urban Dictionary. Expect updates.

Maybe I should stick to the other method of making myself feel more creative than I actually am, which is trying to say sentences that I don't think that anyone else has ever said before. (Bo Burnham actually does this too, which I find quite amusing. I'm not alone in my weirdness!)

Examples:

"But I removed my boobs and temporarily replaced them with books."

"My favorite movie is From Justin to Kelly."


"Out of the Box is the reason I have unrealistic expectations."
(This actually has a story behind it: 
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZCU0MrdI1Oc
My roommates and I shouted at this video in pure fury. THIS SHOW IS FULL OF LIES. REGULAR BOXES DO NOT TURN INTO THIS AMAZING PLAYHOUSE. THERE ARE NO MAGICAL RESOURCES THAT APPEAR FOR THE ENJOYMENT OF CHILDREN.)

"I remember a stand selling huge, bigger-than-your-face ravioli." (This was from a dream I had. Mmm, they sound so delicious.)

If any of you have said these sentences before, congratulations. You've proven that I am unoriginal.

Back to school tomorrow so there will probably be less posts...but hopefully I can find some time to write out random things.

First post of 2014: An odd memory, an introvert's lament, Twilight embarrassment, and Pokemon X

I just had a weird memory pop into my head that gave me a strong urge to write, so bear with me as I ramble. I used to look at my fabric softener sheets as a reminder to take my anxiety meds. I purposefully placed the Snuggles fabric softener box on the shelf across from my bed so I would look at it and think, "Hey, you need to take your medicine!" This is an example of how my mind works.

Often I would forget to take my meds anyway...apparently my fabric softener method wasn't as effective as one would assume. Luke would always tell me to set an alarm, or as he would say alarum because he is pretentious and only spells things the British way. I always refused because my stubborn nature wouldn't give up on the power of Snuggles fabric softener as my own personal remembrall.

Speaking of my medicine, I wasn't able to take it last night because it doesn't mix well with alcohol. And it being the New Year, I drank a bit of wine. I apologize to any cops that might be reading this. I know that I have a large cop readership, so if you'd like to come arrest me for underage drinking, I understand. Jail has always been of interest to me anyway. Lots of time for contemplation, which I enjoy.

Sometimes I get perturbed that the world isn't well accommodated for night-owled introverts such as myself. Work and school begin early and socialization is encouraged and expected. Excessive alone time is thought to be a way of brooding or a sign of some other psychological problem. At college there is nowhere to recharge or get a healthy dose of complete and utter solitude. There is the library, but even there you can run into people you know. I often want a room where there is no possibility of anyone entering. Sometimes I wish I could hire a guard.

The room would be simple, just a nice place to sit and a bookshelf. I could think without any worry of someone needing me. It would be my little semi-selfish sanctuary of contemplation where I could recharge enough energy to socialize again. 

It is the new year. I don't really know if I have a new year's resolution. I'm always on a constant quest for self-improvement full of self-doubt and self-scrutiny, so honestly, the whole new year, new me phenomena is sort of a moot point. I want to write every day if possible and try to submit things for publication. Perhaps I'll exercise more, but that is probably not going to happen. Maybe I'll try to do Zumba in my room again and then laugh at how ridiculous I look in the mirror.

I had a strange experience the other day when I was listening to music. I don't know if it was from sleep deprivation or a sudden return to my good old friend Dramamine, but when I closed my eyes I couldn't stop seeing different instruments or animals wearing party hats. The animals would float into the sky and explode to the rhythm of the song. I used to group certain songs together and make a story, or well, more of an opera out of them. Or I'd try to fit certain songs to certain books I read. Embarrassingly enough, when I was into Twilight, I paired the song "Popular Mechanics for Lovers" by Beulah to Jacob's perspective on his relationship with Bella. I think I posted it on a Twilight forum...oh goodness, embarrassing confessions are embarrassing.

Speaking of embarrassing things about myself, I got my first kiss at a Twilight movie. 

Questions I ask myself: Why doesn't Whoopi Goldberg have eyebrows?

When I watched Rudolph this year I tried to figure out why the red-haired doll is a misfit toy (like I always do) and I decided to Google it. Apparently she has psychological problems and thinks she is a misfit toy even though she has no actual "misfit" characteristics. I wonder if this doll and I have something in common...

Pokemon X has a cafe called "Cafe Introversion" where shy people who still enjoy communicating can gather. Why don't these exist in real life? I think that the creators of Pokemon truly understand their demographic.

During my Pokemon X journey today I fought a herd of Nosepass females. If you don't know what a Nosepass is, you might not find this as amusing as I did.

Here is a Nosepass, in all of its glory.

I like the idea of a bunch of Nosepass females sticking together and forming close bonds based on their struggles with self-image and self-confidence. I picture them building each other up and learning to be strong, rock Pokemon women together as one.

On that note of strength and unity, I am going to conclude this first blog post of 2014. I hope you all have as strong of a support system as this herd of Nosepass females.

A quick thought

What if snakes had boobs?

Think of how hard that would make slithering and how awkwardly they would move.

Now laugh.

Happy holidays everyone.

Crackers, Parallel Universes, and Nietzsche

Sitting alone on a Friday night is the perfect time for reflection and self-pity. I don't know why, but I get the feeling that something major is about to happen. Good or bad, I'm not sure. But something is in the works.

My phone recently autocorrected itself to, "I are crackers," instead of "I ate crackers." Thank you phone for making me be crackers...which to me sounds like bonkers (a great word that is severely underused).

I believe the proper term for Black Friday is African American Friday. (Chiggers = Chegroes.)

I recently witnessed a wonderful Freudian slip. My friend tried to say, "She annoys me a little bit," but instead said, "She annoys me a little bitch."

Is it bad that I get a lot of my blogging material from tweets or texts I've sent within the past week?

I finally made a Danny Elfman Pandora station and it is spectacularly epic. Now even the most mundane tasks seem like an adventure.

Do you ever wonder if there are parallel universes that develop after you make a really important decision? I just find it so interesting to picture myself following through with the opposite decision and thinking of how my life would be. The older we get the more important decisions we have to make and therefore the more universes we create. I wish I could live them all. Like what if I had chosen to stay in a certain relationship, or to major in something different, or to tell someone I loved them? Is there a Julia out there married to a past lover? A Julia who's an accountant, a doctor, or a computer technician? I want to meet her. I want to talk to her and see if she is happy.

This made me think of this quote even though it's not completely the same idea:

“What, if some day or night a demon were to steal after you into your loneliest loneliness and say to you: 'This life as you now live it and have lived it, you will have to live once more and innumerable times more; and there will be nothing new in it, but every pain and every joy and every thought and sigh and everything unutterably small or great in your life will have to return to you, all in the same succession and sequence - even this spider and this moonlight between the trees, and even this moment and I myself. The eternal hourglass of existence is turned upside down again and again, and you with it, speck of dust!' Would you not throw yourself down and gnash your teeth and curse the demon who spoke thus?... Or how well disposed would you have to become to yourself and to life to crave nothing more fervently than this ultimate eternal confirmation and seal?”

from Nietzsche's The Gay Science, s.341

I would live my life over again, even the suffering, even not knowing what I know now. I guess I am greedy when it comes to experiencing things, but I want to live. I want to live out all of my possible lives. I want to be born a Chinese peasant and work in the fields. I want to be born the child of two actors and inherit their abilities. I want to be born on the streets of New York and learn how to get by on nothing. I want to live everyone's lives because I want to understand every aspect of life.

Well on that sort of cheesy note, I hope your Friday night is more exciting than mine. GO LIVE ALL YOUR LIVES.

Asian things, Online Dating, I'm ridiculous, etc.

Prepare yourselves for whatever spews forth from my keys because I’m really not sure what will happen.

I am currently hiding from everyone I know at the Delaware Library. Break was fun, but I didn’t get to spend as much time alone as I wanted to and I need to recharge.

It was definitely an eventful Thanksgiving. The actual day of Thanksgiving was probably the most Asian evening I’ve ever had. My mom made fried rice and pork and we ate mochi for dessert, which are basically like these weird, soft rice ball things filled with red bean paste. They sound sort of gross, but they are delicious and feel as soft as a baby’s bottom, okay that probably isn’t appetizing but it’s true. After our Asian feast we watched a documentary about the new lead singer of Journey, Arnel Pineda, who is from the Philippines. If you haven't seen him perform you should watch this. He sounds just like Steve Perry (or better in my opinion).

I was mad that a lot of people commented on the youtube videos that he is a "karaoke guy" or that he is a wannabe Perry. I mean, I probably shouldn't expect much from youtube comments, but still, he is very talented and that is why the band chose him. 

Speaking of asian things, my aunt found this picture and I laughed at how accurate it was.

I was looking for a place to nap today, but I struggled to find somewhere where I could truly be alone on campus. I finally found a couch in a lounge area, but there were people discussing Doctor Who at a rather loud volume next to me. I've been meaning to watch Doctor Who for years, so maybe this was God's way of telling me I need to get up and go watch it. Well, sorry God, but I'm too tired to watch Doctor Who. I just want a quiet room to nap in.

Last year I was discussing how hard it is to find a place to be alone in college. Even if your own dorm room there is always the possibility of someone walking in or knocking on the door. I think there should be Introvert Buildings on campus where you can go and rent a room for a few hours where you'll be guaranteed to be completely alone with no social obligations or interruptions. 

The thing is, when I get in the mood to have some alone time, strangers tend not to bother me as much. Like right now I am sitting next to an old woman reading the paper, and an older man who keeps clearing his throat. They don't bother me at all because I don't feel obligated to talk to them. Ha, this probably sounds like I don't want to see my friends. Don't get me wrong, I love my friends, but sometimes I just need to hang out with myself. 

Now a purple-coated woman with a pink scrunchie in her hair arrived. Oh, hair scrunchies. How I don't miss you. I do miss what you represent to me though: the 90's, childhood, simplicity. Now my hair is too thick for you to hold and I'm too self-conscious because of today's standards of beauty to wear you in all of your soft, scrunchy glory.

Sometimes I wish I could just go back. I think my childhood was too fun and now everything just seems...less fun. 

The funny thing is that I was drugged up on dramamine for so much of my childhood that I forget a lot of it. Every vacation where we had to drive I was always drowsy. No wonder my memory is so blurry. I would ALWAYS get carsick on the way to Meijer, so often in fact that I became very familiar with the large gray trashcan at the entrance. It saw me through some rough times. Thanks trashcan. If it weren't for you, my vomit would be splattered all over the white tile.

Speaking of trashcans...I decided to throw something away recently, or in other words, to delete something. On an impulse I joined an online dating site, just to see what it was like. I quickly got addicted to it and then got freaked out by it. It was definitely an odd experience, and in a way, taught me some things about humanity. We're desperate creatures and we crave attention. Flattery is nice, but only to a certain point until it becomes creepy. I got my fair share of cheesy pick-up lines, my favorites being:

"I fell so hard for you that I hit my head. So I'm going to need your name and number for insurance purposes."

One guy just messaged me: "Cutie!!!" I pictured him angrily screaming cutie at me and I laughed. 

"Hello, I'm a thief and I'm here to steal your heart."

I did end up talking to some guys, but it never felt real, because it wasn't. It was like a game. I guess it did boost my self-esteem for a while, feeling like all of these guys were interested in learning all of the trivial things that make me, me (favorite music, shows, movies, hobbies, etc.) but soon it all became very...sad...and lonely. I kept getting paranoid that I was going to see guys from online in real life and that's when I knew I needed to delete my account.

Well that and the fact that I got a message from a couple asking to be in a threesome. I thanked them for the offer, but politely declined, haha. I'm not morally opposed to threesomes, but I'm also not willing to have one with "Steve and Susie" from okcupid.com.

Feel free to judge me as much as you want because I know that I am ridiculous. I let my curiosity (and maybe my need for external sources of approval) get the best of me. At least I'm free now and ready to talk to people in real life (says the girl hiding in the library with the elderly).